Dec 12, 2011

Lucy Grace: My darkest hour

I want to share a story that I'd buried deep in my heart. That is, until I learned of God's saving grace. I know the Lord will use this in some way, and I hope that is to encourage other women who have buried this sort of pain, to know that God forgives you. I know there are people who will be disgusted, and have their opinions, but I hold onto the promise as I celebrate the birth of the One who paved the road of eternal forgiveness. Thank you for listening.

I have three children. My oldest is in heaven, and she went to be with Jesus 8 years ago.
I was a junior in high school, and I was standing in my bathroom, staring into the mirror with my hands over my mouth in disbelief. The pregnancy test rested on the counter. Positive.
The first person I told was my dad. I cried to him, telling him I was so sorry and that I had let him down. I was Daddy's little girl, having been raised by just him after my mother left us when I was 8 years old. My dad held me, and reassured me that he loved me, and that we would get through this. He even went to the extent to say that he would raise my baby himself if the father wanted out of the picture, so that I could still pursue my "dreams". Dreams were just shattered images at that point.
I met with the father, my high school boyfriend at the time. I didn't tell him right away though, because my emotions were up and down. Finally, I had a flood of positive emotions, thinking we could do this, we can have this baby.
Well, his thoughts were the very opposite. Shattered dreams, plans of college tossed out the window. All of the reasons why we had to terminate the pregnancy. That is all he would say. He couldn't look into my eyes; he was staring off into the distance. Not once had I felt the slightest touch of his hand. 
The days worsened after he told his mother. She hated me after that. It was all my fault. I was ruining her son's life, she would yell at me. He did no wrong. I was every vulgar name you can think of. She would drive to my dad's house numerous times to sit on the other end of sofa, opposite of me, convincing me that abortion is indeed the answer. She even began to speak softly to me, transforming into this sweet lady who made abortion really look like the right answer.
I believed her. I gave in. She accompanied me to the clinic the day of the procedure. My dad was there too and I remember looking at him, trying to muffle my cry of "Daddy, don't let this happen. I don't want to do this!" I could see my dad's face, that he wanted to make this go away for me. His eyes fighting back the tears too.
But I did it. My first baby was taken from me, and I let it happen. It was the beginning of the darkest hour of my life. And this hour lasted 8 years.
I stuffed down the memory and moved on with my life. I numbed the pain and even hid the secret from the man who is now my husband. When I had the courage to finally tell him, I was ready for him to leave. We had just begun dating at the time. I prepared myself for another punch in the heart. I was ready for him to be disgusted with me, to be ashamed.
To my complete disbelief, he didn't do any of that. Instead, he held me, hugged me, kissed me, and even rocked me as I gave into his arms. He told me he was sorry that I went through such pain, and that if we ever had children together, that he would never abandon them. That he would never abandon me. 
My husband is a man of his word. We share two children together, Gavin Troy and Haley Jaelana. My husband lost his only brother four months after we started dating. We have shared in each others grievances. We take on each others pain as if it were our own.
I never named my first baby. I knew deep in my heart, and the Lord has revealed to me in supernatural ways, that my baby was a girl. Last year I named her, after hearing a song for the first time called "Lucy". The lyrics were me, it was as if the song were written about me. About my baby girl. For me. It was my first step in healing.
I was not completely sure that God had forgiven me for what I had done. And the day God had revealed His forgiveness to me, the day His grace covered my whole heart, she was not just Lucy. She was Lucy Grace.

by Skillet
 Hey Lucy, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
I just came to talk for a while
I got some things I need to say

Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see
That little piece of heaven looking back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life
In heaven where we never say goodbye

Are you or someone you know in bondage from the pain and memory of abortion? Did you know that God forgives you today? Until you know about God's saving grace, through the sacrifice of His only son Jesus Christ who bore our sins for us, you will never understand such an eternal healing love. I hope my story may encourage your heart today. Here are some other resources that helped to heal my own heart: